I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
