Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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