Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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