I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
