I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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