I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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