Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
