I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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