I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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