I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
