How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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