Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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