When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
