If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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