I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
