The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
