she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
