Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
