shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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