Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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