those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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