we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
