I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
