If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
