how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Maybe he injected his testicle?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
