Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
