u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This is the high leading the old right now
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
