Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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