Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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