remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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