I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I pour the whiskey from now on
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
