i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
