hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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