You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
