He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
