Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
