So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
