I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
