My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
