Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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