Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
