All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
