yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
