If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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