I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
