I wish I could teleport
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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