i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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