Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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