She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
