we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
did i just pee glitter
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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